Who the Hell is Bucky?

[starkingenuity]

"So you cut your hair, destroyed SHIELD, get Fury killed and now you want to team up again?"  Tony turned in his swivel chair three quarters to the left and two to the right like some evil super villain while Bruce Banner rolled his eyes behind him.  Wisely, he stayed quiet.  Being Tony's 'other half' and his 'soul mate' and worse, his therapist, was enough to give him a good enough idea of what staying quiet tended to do for him.

Chiefly?  He didn't get pulled into these sorts of conversations.

"And did you like grow another three inches around your biceps?  It's people like you that make it harder for ordinary guys to get dates on Friday night."

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[whothehellisbucky]

There was this sense that Steve had always been there. That Steve was the stronger, most important force in his life and meeting him was the singularly most influential moment of his past. He just couldn't remember the hows or the whys. There was just a damned trash can lid and bright blue eyes and scrawny arms he had to hold onto so that the boy they belonged to didn't slip away.

But he had. He'd left him. And then he changed. They both had.

"I never wanted any of this," he blurted out suddenly. "I didn't want to join up. I wanted to stay with you." He grasped onto Steve's hand so tightly. "But they forced me. Whoever thought up the draft was a damned idiot and I hope they--"

Well, he actually wasn't sure what he hoped. Things kept getting more and more confused in his mind. Like the fact, for instance, that Steve always thought he had enlisted.

[starspangledspandex]

He wouldn't know where that train of thought was coming from if he heard it. Bucky was there for him through everything, even when he had nothing. He was the one that kept saving Steve from all the stupid situations he got himself into. When Bucky told him he was going with the army, well, he couldn't stay behind. He couldn't and that was why he fought tooth and nail for it.

It was worth the change in him. Bucky was an entirely different story.

Steve stared at the other man in shock, expression falling and the grip on his hand was almost painful but he didn't feel it. Steve was too busy turning the words over in his head.

"You... you were drafted?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe the words.

[whothehellisbucky]

Drafted. Yes. He'd cried at the table when he'd gotten the letter than put on a brave face. He'd nearly made it to the end of the war, something he had realized not all that long ago as he stood looking at the display in the Smithsonian. Nearly made it and had been drafted. He felt cold about it now, cold with a bit of melting around the edges.

"From what I read, they were taking everyone." He let go of Steve's hand and cooly leaned over to start the shower. He was sticky, it was unpleasant, and he knew better than to present himself that way.

His handlers always liked him clean. Before missions and after, even if he had to be brought down because of a glitch in his wipes. It made him flinch to think about it.

"It was only a matter of time before my name came up." Thank you, America, for getting Bucky in this mess to begin with.

[starspangledspandex]

A single word shouldn't have so much power behind it. It shouldn't make Steve feel like he was knifed in the gut and twisted around for no good reason. Drafted. The man didn't even want to go to war and his whole life was ruined because of it. Seventy years of torture and it wasn't even his choice to begin with.

"Everyone except me," Steve replied, shoulders slouching. A large part of his insistence on going was because Bucky was going. He couldn't just sit there and let his friend die for him. "And here I was so insistent on going," he dragged a hand through his hair. "I just didn't want you to have to go alone. I didn't want to have to just sit there and wait for a letter and wonder if I could have done something."

He watched as Bucky turned on the shower and he stepped up to his back, wrapping his arms gently around the man's waist.

[whothehellisbucky]

Grabbing Steve's arm, Bucky attempted to throw the blond over his shoulder and into the bath tub. He couldn't stomach being startled. Instinct kicked in long before any other response did. While one man would happily lean back against his lover, Bucky strove to hurt, disarm, incapacitate.

In that order.

He was breathing hard and immediately confused and then worried. Whatever he had managed to do to Steve (and the furniture in the bathroom) had not been strictly intentional.

[starspangledspandex]

Honestly, Steve should have seen that one coming. It was stupid and every single bottle in the bathtub fell on his head to drill in the reminder. He took a moment to make sure that nothing was broken or missing before he moved.

"My fault," he groaned from the tangled up mess of his limbs in the tub and thanks to the water being on, he was also wet, which was not making it easy to sort things out. He reached up for the bar so he could get his feet under him. "I know better than to startle you. You alright?"

He was more worried about whether Bucky was going to just freak out on him now or if he would calm down and realize that it was just Steve than he was about any damage.

[whothehellisbucky]

There was a gaping piece of marble missing from the tub. Part of it was Bucky's strength, the rest was the sheer size of his friend turned lover turned Captain turned enemy turned colleague turned lover all over again. So Bucky took a step back even as Steve stood. Plastic bottles of various expensive and sweet smelling liquids covered him and the tub.

He swallowed. He stood back another step.

"You can't take all the blame." Not for who he was. Not for a single choice that had been made for him. Bucky wasn't blameless but he knew he hadn't held any of the cards.

[starspangledspandex]

He eyed the marble but he wasn't too worried about it. Right now, Bucky was more important than material things. He didn't like the man pulling away from him.

"I startled you," he pointed out, making a face as he smeared what was probably shampoo down his arm. "I can take the blame on that. In a different situation, I might have reacted the same way." Naked in the bathroom with someone who was just rolling around in a bed with maybe not, but the point was still there.

[whothehellisbucky]

Increasingly, Bucky was becoming aware of what was not all right and yet, Steve constantly made excuses for him, stroked his hair, and made sure he was all right. Increasingly, that was starting to annoy him. "You told me that I'm suppose to begin taking responsibilities." Actually, that 'you' was Tony Stark but all of the Avengers were the same in the end. Part of a group that he was suppose to listen to and learn from.

Bucky did keep trying. And he kept messing up. It made him want to grab at his head, but he found that it was better to do in private. People got very defensive when he broke down.

Understandably. Look at what happened to the bathroom!

"I can't function this way!"

[starspangledspandex]

"Look," Steve says quietly. "There are still times I flinch when someone shuts a car door too hard or I catch sight of a billboard wrong and react in ways I shouldn't. You've had it worse than the rest of us. It's going to take time. Soldiers do this coming home from war all the time, Bucky. It's exactly what Sam deals with at the VA. People who are having trouble getting back in the world."

He shakes his head, "There's a difference between taking responsibility for what you can change and blaming yourself for it. I didn't say it would easy. This one is still on me. You're a trained assassin with PTSD, sneaking up on you is a stupid move on my part."

Steve takes a step forward, out of the tub and ignores the way bottles rattle. He's not afraid. "It gets easier. It just... takes time."

[whothehellisbucky]

Waiting.

Bucky had been forced to be a patient man for a very long time, but without the shackles on, without a mission, without an end sight. he couldn't guage anything properly. How long was he meant to wait? How much time would it take?

He would let Steve touch him again, coming up from his line of vision was leaps and bounds more relaxing, but Bucky still kept his hands to himself.

It was nothing Steve did wrong, he was sure of it. He was just broken to the point where most people didn't want him around. Even dear old Sam.

"All I have is time," Bucky mentioned as he looked at Steve, dropping his chin if not his gaze.

[starspangledspandex]

He moved to Bucky without hesitating though he made his movements obvious in case the other man didn't want him to touch him which was okay. He had the right to choose and Steve would respect that choice. His hands gently slid up Bucky's sides and it was fine he didn't reciprocate too.

"And me," Steve confirmed with a nod. "And all I have is time too."

He watched Bucky and wished that there was something he could say that was better, but he wanted to be honest and that meant admitting that there was no set time frame for this sort of thing.

[whothehellisbucky]

He might not reciprocate but he also didn't push Steve off either. All he did was try to sidle a little closer to him, to try and figure out if his body would let him be close again. It did. Thank god.

Bucky stopped believing in God when the Russians forced it on him, the reds as atheist as they came, but that didn't mean he hadn't retained a little bit of the same faith that made him push Steve aside after that one night. He wanted to do it now, too. It was clear that Steve was getting under his skin and that just made him so very nervous.

Instead of pushing back, however, one hand found it's way to Steve's hip and he sighed as if he was trying to sort out if smiling was something permissible.

"And you," he agreed.