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[starkingenuity]

[Tony volunteers for the worst sort of body take over ever: here.]

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[starkingenuity]

This is why Tony really likes the Hulk. It’s why they jive so well. They both are irresponsible. They both are daredevils. They both occasionally fly out of windows from inside their own homes.

Tony does a lap around the entire tower, making comments on the faces, on the structure, on how high above the garbage smell they are. He’s so very pleased by it. Whoever crafted this is crazy and a genius and Tony can relate.

It’s not until they reach what had obviously been Bruce’s worse half that Tony steps down from the sky and out of the whole suit.

“This. Is. Amazing! Love the decor. Very tribal without the racial leaning. This takes me back to my youth. Love it!”

[hulkbusted]

Hulk also has abandonment issues like Tony.

FRIDAY deposits Bruce inside the Hulk-sized room and releases him from the suit, and for at least five seconds he's too relieved to no longer be encased to even notice his surroundings. Then he has to stop and turn a circle, staring at the room, taking in the shield embedded in the wall and the--

"Is that a hot tub?" Hulk in a hot tub? Can they go home now?

It looks like the revolution distracted from any cleanup in Hulk's quarters, and with no champion to watch over, there are no guards in the hall.

He wanders over to shelves covered in bottles and opens one out of curiosity before shaking his head and quickly putting the top back on. "And alcohol? Who thinks it's a good idea to let Hulk drink?"

It probably has no affect on him; nothing else seems to, and God knows Bruce has tried.

[starkingenuity]

Hulk in a hot tub surrounded by beautiful women is one of those things that can keep Tony going for years. He won’t tell Banner, the guy is pretty weird when it comes to his alter ego (wonder why?) and he doesn’t think his friend will like it that Tony would be insinuating to having a new fantasy life when he’s alone with some hand cream and his eyes closed.

He’s not the only one though. Banner has been away for awhile and probably hasn’t looked online for fanfic on the Hulk. There’s a lot of it. Their fans are crazy. Sexy, but crazy.

“Rogers can’t get drunk. He probably can’t either. But I absolutely can. And it’s vacation!” Perfect excuse! He’s going to be trying some of that. “FRIDAY, scan that tub for cleanliness. No offense but I don’t want to have to UV light this place if we can just nip it in the bud.”

The Hulk was living pretty great here.

Tony kind of wishes that he hadn’t missed out.

[hulkbusted]

Bruce would like to forget that he even knows that fanfic exists; he definitely doesn't want to know that people have robust fantasy lives involving someone whose proportions logically would break anyone he did anything with. That includes Tony.

"You're not--" Bruce scrubs a hand through his hair and stops himself right there. Of course he is. "You're going to try out the hot tub, aren't you?"

He wanders away as FRIDAY scans the hot tub and pronounces it clean with freshly circulating water. Trash planet apparently doesn't mean that the upper echelons lack for their luxuries, and the Grandmaster's Champion had gotten a slice of that.

Except that when he examines the archway out of the room and into the hall, he spots mechanisms that tell a somewhat different story. One that gets fleshed out a little by the control panel on the other side of those mechanisms. "I don't know if he was free to leave, Tony. He had to go out the window and these look like some kind of energy projectors."

[starkingenuity]

“Correction. We are going to try out the hot tub,” Tony says, though his interests lie in the window itself. The Hulk has been known to leap insane distances and to go for miles by bounding alone. He’s seen videos of straight jumping without a running start and he has no doubt that if the Hulk had wanted to leave, he could have done it whenever he wanted. Window or no window. He just doesn’t know why he suddenly wanted to, after two years. Had he been that happy here?

The question is concerning and the conflagration when Banner mentions that this suite was less of a room and more of a supposed prison.

“They thought they could keep him in,” Tony says. “But joke’s on them. He stayed because he wanted to stay.” Likely due to that rad effigy of him on the building itself. “He really liked it here. He liked it enough that he didn’t care that these people thought he was a captive.”

So weird.

And kind of wonderful too. For the Hulk to be at peace in supposed captivity meant that he had been fulfilled.

“I think Thor ruined the Big Guy’s fun.”

[hulkbusted]

"He liked killing people for an audience." Bruce feels ill just thinking about it. "So don't go sounding like you admired him or what happened here. This was wrong."

He's not going to tell Tony about the Hulkfest outside, either. People throwing around green powder and dancing with effigies and Hulk masks.

This was a bad idea. He should never have even joked about coming here, and he shouldn't have gone along with Tony when Tony latched onto it.

He kicks a big red ball on the floor and winces when it barely rolls. "You know, I was wearing huge strings of beads when I came back. Big beads and a Hulk-sized kilt."

[starkingenuity]

“It’s a very human thing to get a kick out of watching people kill each other.” That doesn’t make it all right but Banner looks like he’s about to have a mini melt down. And Tony can’t risk their super fun vacation being toppled over before they have any fun.

Maybe it wasn’t smart to even think that this could be fun. They’re both too broken for any sort of vacation. They’re too broken for almost everyone else in their lives. It’s a really sad thought.

What’s worse is that Tony saw what had happened here. He’d watched Bruce breakdown. And he still convinced him to come back. He never learns. Pepper was — is — completely right.

“Let’s go back home.” To that crypt of Tony’s youth that isn’t really home. Tony’s home is in the water, in ruins. He gave his address to an insane man through an actor and he broke his only happiness. “There’s a hot tub at the mansion if you wanna skinny dip there.”

His eyes say that he’s sorry. He just can’t verbally express it.

[hulkbusted]

Yes. Let's go now. FRIDAY, let me back in that suit.

The words are on the tip of his tongue. He could do it, cut this short, go back to Earth, and then neither of them would be home anyway. How about if they just pick a random wormhole and go through it? Say fuck it and just not go back at all. He's pretty sure he can fly a spaceship if he really, really has to. They could steal one.

It's a nice thought for half a second before he brushes it away along with the idea of going back.

He gives Tony a wan smile for the offer, though. "You crammed me into an Iron Man suit. If you think I'm just turning around and going back without getting some actual vacation in, you've pulled a few too many Gs."

He gives the ball a shove with the side of his foot to send it rolling toward Tony. "Just... can you stop sounding like you admire what Hulk did here?"

[starkingenuity]

“I just don’t hate him,” Tony says truthfully. “He’s one of my teammates.” And that used to mean family. “He saved my life. I’m sorry if that pisses you off, Banner—“ Like everything does, Huge Anger Issues— “But if it’s any consolation, I like you a lot better.” That’s probably no consolation at all.

Tony doesn’t have a lot of taste. Most people would say that.

“How about we find a room that’s less giant sized and more Stark and Banner friendly. With a hot tub. Because you need it way more than I do.”

But first? They have to turn off the security systems. Luckily, they’re a bunch of geniuses.

[hulkbusted]

"You can care about a teammate and still not condone murder." And no, it's no consolation. It might have been two years ago, but not now.

But he lets it go there. Maybe a hot tub would be nice. Hell, Hulk's hot tub looks nice, but getting out of there and somewhere without potential flashback triggers is a good idea.

"Let's try the rest of this floor. There might be other rooms for the elite gladiators up here, and if there are, they're probably not in residence with the revolution going on."

He does, however stop at the edge of the archway and point out the control panel to Tony. "Tell me that you or one of the suits have a trick up your sleeve for this."

[starkingenuity]

“Both. What will you give me if I can disarm this thing in ten minutes?” He can’t help but flirt with and tease the other man. Nothing can ever come of it. Maybe that’s what makes him safe. Tony can have his closeness without it ever going too far. There’s not going to be extended contact and he has spent the better part of two days easing into a romantic sort of friendship with his absentee friend.

Most of him knows that’s because he craves that sort of connection and Banner is the only one giving him that attention right now. The rest of him doesn’t give a flying fuck what his reasoning behind this one sided, forced platonic love affair is.

He has already cracked open the box. This is all alien to him but the guy’s taught himself languages in the span of a few hours to conduct complicated business transactions. He can do this.

[hulkbusted]

"I already gave you a wormhole, what more can you ask for?" Bruce has the emotional intelligence of Hulk sometimes. It doesn't even think about crossing his mind that Tony's flirtations are anything but the ingrained habit of years of being the billionaire playboy philanthropist. He'd written Natasha off when she'd been flirting with him, too.

Who could possibly want someone with the enormous issues he has? Oh, and Hulk on top of those issues. It would always be the worst kind of menage a trois.

While Tony amuses himself hacking his first alien system that isn't of Chitauri origin, Bruce wanders the room a little more, touching bottles, smoothing the blanket on the bed, nudging the enormous hammer on the floor with his toe, trying to picture Hulk living like a person here.

By the time Tony's got the system cracked, Bruce has grabbed one of the huge bottles off of the shelves and after a whiff to ensure it isn't too foul, brings it with him to Tony's side. "My offering for your skills."

[starkingenuity]

Ninety nine percent of that playboy doesn’t really want Bruce to figure out how he feels. He likes this game. It’s dangerous, but he’s only going to break himself at the end of it when he just can’t stop pushing. Everyone else will come out unscathed for once and so he doesn’t mind it st all. The more drawn out it is, the better. Tony is an adrenaline junky. Who better to get his proverbial rocks off with that s guy that can keep up with him intellectually, who will follow along with his crazy and who can stand up to that crazy and reign him in?

Oh. And who also turns into the coolest rage beast ever?

That’s right. Only Bruce Banner.

Tony has actually forgotten about the bet when the force field short circuits. He’s just happy to have had the mental challenge and so when Bruce offers him the liquor he’d forgotten about too, the engineer grins.

“We need to play more games like these. I like winning.”

This isn’t alcohol that’s really made for humans though. And the moment Tony tries some, right out of the bottle (so much for his germaphobia, right?) he’s already on his ass.

[hulkbusted]

On the bright side, whatever's in that bottle has probably killed anything that might give Tony an alien flu.

Bruce ignores the bottle in favor of catching Tony to ease him down to the floor instead of letting him topple like a felled tree. "You don't know the meaning of the word sip, do you?"

How can a man as brilliant as Tony be so self-destructively stupid? How can a man as brilliant as Bruce keep enabling him when he knows better? Questions for the ages.

"FRIDAY? I might need a hand with him."

[starkingenuity]

How can a mouthful of Hulk strength alcohol make him instantly drunk?! Oh. Oh right. Because it’s Hulk strength.

“I am— I am fine! I’m so fine! The internet says so,” Tony grins. He tends to drink just enough to slow down his brain so he can think and to numb all of the feelings he has inside of him. When he gets to be a little over that mark, Fun Tony melds with Self Destructive Tony. And no one likes that. Ask Rhodey.

He slings an arm around Bruce’s shoulder to try and haul himself up but his knees really aren’t working right and the Iron Man armor needs to come to the rescue. It will carry Tony bride-style wherever Bruce wants it to.

“Question—. Hey. Banner. Question— why is your mouth shaped like that? How do you survive having a mouth like that? That’s unfair. Ooh, hey, walking snack pack, get me a bag of chips!”

[hulkbusted]

Bruce rubs a hand over his forehead and shakes his head ruefully at Tony before asking FRIDAY to have his suit follow, too. It's a little disconcerting to watch it reach a hand down its open neck to pull out a bag of chips, but that's the least of his worries.

"Survival, and because I need it to tell my smartass friend to shut up and eat his chips while we find a room that isn't inhabited by the shadows of my greener half."

He can hear both suits behind him, the quiet whine of servos and the heavy weight of their feet on the floor. It's comforting when he has no idea what to expect around any corner. He can count on the suits even if Tony's drunk off his ass.

They reach a nexus where an elevator comes up in the middle of corridors that branch off in eight directions, including their hall. The first clockwise hall leads to a room prepared for something that apparently likes rocks. Lots of rocks. There are no beds and no hot tubs. The next clockwise hall leads to a force field that is holding back a room full of water. Again, no. The hall after that leads to an unoccupied room complete with a bed easily as large as the one in Hulk's room, a tub of equal size, and furniture that is scaled to accommodate something on a more human scale. This is the room Bruce picks, telling FRIDAY to put Tony on the bed and post the suits to keep guard for them.

[starkingenuity]

After declaring that the bed smells like marshmallows (and in reality, it actually does), Tony laughs uproariously and finishes his chips. He’s propped up on pillows, talking about how gross it is to eat in bed, and then tosses the bag away, empty.

Banner is just a swimmy sort of image in front of him, flitting from shelf to shelf like a cardigan wearing hummingbird and Tony is too amused to do anything at all but watch him for several moments.

If the other scientist thinks his friend is going to happily stay in bed, however, he has another thing coming.

“FRIDAY! Music! We need to party!” And be sloppy drunk off of alien alcohol meant for the Hulk. The AI obliges her Boss. At least Tony is an impressive figure. He has some decent rhythm. Even as he stumbles back into the wall.

[hulkbusted]

Bruce'll have to wait until later to find out if the bed smells like marshmallows or not. It seems that he has some intensive Tony wrangling to do until then.

The music is too loud and Bruce has to shout to be heard over it, yelling at FRIDAY to turn it off, which she doesn't because the Boss wants music. His next best option is yell at her to turn it down - no more down, no more - until there isn't so much noise coming from the former gladiators' quarters that someone might want to come investigate.

Music turned down to tolerable decibel levels, he can give his friend more attention, catching him before he careens into the wall again and pleading, "Tony, come on. We're squatters here. Don't get people with guns to come bust up the party."

[starkingenuity]

Catching Tony while he’s dancing means that Tony is turning those move on Bruce now. Even if Bruce decides just to stand still, there’s still a man in his late forties trying to groove with him in delightfully awkward ways. He wraps one arm around Bruce’s shoulder and makes a motion like he’s driving, snapping thumb and finger together with the beat.

“Don’t be such a wallflower. You’re better than that, Bruce. You can open up and have a little fun sometimes! You’re not going to break anything!”

Even the Hulk knew how to let lose! Especially with alcohol that goes right into your blood and brain!

[hulkbusted]

The Hulk does all of Bruce's letting loose for him.

And this is weird. He's seen Tony after a few drinks, and he knows the reputation of the old Tony Stark, but the Tony he's known has never been just straight up shitfaced. The only good thing he can say about it so far is that at least shitfaced Tony is congenial instead of angry, but angry or weepy could be just around the corner. It isn't a thought that's conducive to relaxing and enjoying himself.

"I'm fine. I'm good." He puts a good face on it. "I'm on an alien planet with my friend." And no one's trying to kill them yet. Such fun.

[starkingenuity]

Tony rolls his eyes. He has about as much attention span drunk as sober (or honestly, mostly tipsy... the guy operates best when he’s a little sloshed).

“Okay, you stay good here. I’m going to find someone who wants to let loose a little.” And if Bruce tries to stop him? Oh no. They’re here on vacation. Vacation means partying. He would love to have some fun with Banner but if that isn’t in the cards, he can find his fun with anyone. Tony is picky, but there’s a world full of beautiful people he’s never seen and who don’t know him from Adam.

He could get lucky and find someone that isn’t after his money or his position or his brain. And won’t thst be nice for a change?

He just had to focus on walking straight. And holding onto the wall totally helps.

[hulkbusted]

He's on a planet full of people who have spent years with combat to the death as their primary source of entertainment. Bruce is not sending Tony out there in the condition he's in.

He scurries to get in front of Tony, which is pretty easy given Tony's need to have a wall to hold him up and puts out both hands to ward him back. "Hey, I'll support your getting to know the locals a little better once you can walk a straight line without help from FRIDAY. Come on, you drank the Hulk juice and can barely stay on your feet."

Looking around desperately for some distraction, he thrusts an arm out toward the hot tub. "I thought we were going to hot tub. You're not leaving me without that are you?"

[starkingenuity]

This is not helpful. This is very bad, Bruce. It would be better to let Tony go and hit on an alien version of the average ancient Roman citizen than to suggest that they go and hot tub together when he clearly isn’t thinking at all.

Let alone straight. Pub fully intended.

Amber colored eyes lift ever so slightly from the mouth he’s become drunkenly obsessed with just before he pulls his shirt over his head. The ordeal causes him to step quickly backward two paces before he catches himself with a laugh.

“Hang on. Hang on.. Let me figure my belt out.” Never mind that he’s not wearing one. This could take awhile.

[hulkbusted]

He's not letting Tony out of here until he is thinking again. He honestly wouldn't know how to live with himself if something happened to Tony that he could have prevented. If that means hot tubbing will keep him in the relative safety of their misappropriated room, then so be it.

He is still blissfully unaware of the situation he's putting himself into when it comes to how straight Tony's thinking. Poor dumb genius.

Putting Tony through the physical challenge of getting undressed gives Bruce time to do the same. For a man who's often pretty uncomfortable in his skin, he has at least become very accustomed to showing it. There are only so many times you can wake up wearing the tatters of clothes (if you're lucky) before that becomes the very least of your worries. He leaves Tony to struggle with his clothes and starts undressing, draping his cardigan and shirt over the back of a chair before toeing off his shoes and hopping on first one foot and then the other to get his socks off.

The pants are staying on until he can get Tony safely into the tub.

Once he's mostly ready, he moves in to give Tony some assistance, even if it's just a stable arm to hang onto for balance.

[starkingenuity]

Tony has absolutely no reason to keep up his body. He’s rich and he’s brilliant. He’s put together armor that gives him all of the athleticism he could ever need, but the truth is that wearing that armor and using it effectively requires that he be in shape.

Happy used to train him to box. Tony’s kept up with it more or less on his own. His muscle definition for a man his age is relatively good and given that he rarely remembers to eat three meals a day, his body fat is lean.

No amount of fine form however can stop him from stumbling and then splashing his way into the tub, completely nude, but Banner certainly can help keep him from slipping and drowning.

The water is restorative. Exquisitely so. Tony immediately relaxes, some of the buzz wearing mercifully off as he reclines against the smooth stone basin.