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[starkingenuity]

[Tony volunteers for the worst sort of body take over ever: here.]

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[starkingenuity]

“Deal. You’re the prize anyway.” And that is wholly serious, though it’s very hard to tell just how serious Tony is even when the corners of his lips don’t turn up in sarcasm. It’s a wonder anyone’s ever dated him, much less a smart woman like Pepper, and for so long! To follow the tuna goes an entire loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. Tony’s just committed to being able to eat comfort food while they’re gone and this armor of Bruce’s has lots of extra space to hide fishies and chocolate bars—

Well. Maybe not chocolate bars. Bruce runs hot. He’ll be a sticky mess in no time. Tony shoves his arm into the neck of the armor to retrieve the candy, forehead and overly producted bangs brushing the other man’s neck.

They’ve not yet discussed how Bruce feels about being in the Iron Man armor. Tony doesn’t intend to discuss anything. FRIDAY can fly the scientist around just fine.

But that’s not the problem. And Tony is planning to ignore all problems right now.

[hulkbusted]

"Some prize," Bruce mutters, because he absolutely doesn't see himself that way and can't imagine that Tony's doing anything other than giving him a hard time.

Then he's wriggling away from the hand going down the armor because wow, that's weird. "Tell me again why I'm wearing armor now? Can't we save that for when the feces flies?"

He's not arguing against the armor at all because there will be no Hulk on this getaway, but this seems-- "It's premature, and why are you shoving chocolate in here with me? Isn't that a terrible idea? And get your hand off my ass."

The last is just to get a little of his own back, since Tony's not actually near his ass.

[starkingenuity]

"Your ass has no problem with my hand," Tony says, peeking down to see where he might out more of Bruce's grocery order in. Or some spare socks. "And you're wearing the suit so we can get to the wormhole. I'm not taking the quinjet right back there. Someone will notice and someone will wonder why I'm hanging around. These suits have better stealth capabilities. Aren't you supposed to be a genius? Do I have to explain everything to you?"

No, Tony. You don't have to explain everything but you do have to explain something. Like how Bruce is going to be contained in a tiny, dark, man-sized shell and flown around on repulsors.

The guy doesn't like to fly. How do you think he feels about the lack of cocktail service on this particular flight?

"Are you done complaining? No? Take it up with management. And don't hold your breath. You're not going to suffocate in there."

[hulkbusted]

"This sounds like a terrible vacation." He'd been thinking something a little less... armored. "We could do camping out a lot more comfortably in a quinjet."

He's trying to turn circles to see what the hell Tony is doing and it's disconcerting the disconnect between the effort he feels like he needs to put out and the reactions of the armor.

"And you are the management, so I'm taking it up with you. Are we just going to go tromping around Sakaar in these things?"

It's just so... vulnerable. Yes, he knows it isn't, but has Tony ever really gotten it through his head that Bruce feels vulnerable all the time?

[starkingenuity]

"Well Management is busy right now. Leave a message." Tony thinks about Tony first. He'd had his little breakdown but now he's back to the mania we all know and love. And that means that to Tony, Bruce is just a willing participant in whatever he wants to do. He's a Tazmanian Devil here, he's a whirling dervish and Bruce simply can't avoid him.

"I saw a whole huge tower. You're going to tell me that there's no place to stay there?" Tony isn't buying it. "You stayed there for years. Let's go see your digs."

With Bruce suited up and loaded to the brim with mostly snack food, Tony tells FRIDAY that he's good to go, and that means that the rest of the armor is just going to morph over Bruce's head. He can't very well fly without his helmet on. The G-forces would trigger the Hulk immediately!

[hulkbusted]

"I never saw Hulk's digs." Not his. Hulk's. Don't you start conflating them, too, Tony.

He twitches inside the suit when the helmet closes around him, but FRIDAY has anticipated his responses at this point and keeps him from falling back through a wall or stomping through the floor. At least if he did either of those things, he might be able to dissuade Tony from this course of action.

"And we don't have any local currency and unless you're using cans of tuna as trade goods, I don't think we're going to get far in polite society." He's not going to panic. He's not going to panic. He's going to close his eyes, take a few deep breaths and--

"There's got to be a better way!"

[starkingenuity]

Still wandering around in comfortable pants and a t-shirt, Tony takes Bruce by the shoulders of his arm and leans in towards the helmet. His image, projected on the faceplate, distorts this close and Bruce can't feel his breath or the heat of his skin as he might have done without the helmet on. A blessing and a curse. When's the last time Tony's brushed his teeth?

"Try to trust me a little. I'm never going to hurt you." Purposefully. He's not saying that out loud though! "This is the best armor I've got. It's the sturdiest and the easiest ride. You can sleep in it and you'll hardly even know you're moving. It'll be smoother than a car."

Hulk isn't around right now to tell them that they can't have a good time in his bachelor pad on Sakaar. And it can't be so hard to find. Hulk's...Hulk. And evidently civilized when on alien wormhole trash planets. So there's that.

"It's going to be fun, Banner! Promise!" And off he goes, that whirlwind at it again, getting himself tidied up in his own armor, a garish, shiny gold.

[hulkbusted]

While Bruce believes that Tony won't intentionally hurt him, if something goes unintentionally wrong, one or both of them has a much greater chance of getting stranded on Sakaar.

He comes close to just tapping out, refusing to go, declaring this all a stupid, reckless, insane idea. He doesn't, and it's solely because of the tired, worn down man who'd been sitting across from him in a living room that had clearly been used as a bedroom lately. If he taps out, he honestly doesn't know if that'll be the straw that breaks the camel's back, or just one that'll be counted among many when the day comes that Tony finishes breaking.

He just can't do that to Tony. Won't do it.

"We aren't getting involved in any wars, no revolutions, no reordering of a corrupt system. We're there for a break, not more of the same."

And he's never ever said that to himself and then gotten involved in something he shouldn't. No. Never. Not... once.

Are his pants on fire yet?

[starkingenuity]

“We’re there to play in an openly hedonistic society for a little while, Banner! Don’t worry, I have no intention of changing s thing!” They’re off a moment later and Tony’s right. If Bruce closes his eyes, he isn’t even going to notice that they’re flying. If he wants to watch and participate however, FRIDAY is very willing to help out. She’s a great tour guide too.

Getting to the wormhole this time is so much faster than before. It really does pay to have taken the armors with them. Even full of junk food and scared — and elated — scientists.

Tony doesn’t let himself hesitate before he flies through the camouflaged opening. If he does, he’ll never do it and getting off of earth seems like the best bet for healing.

He’s thrown around a bit, but comes out all right on the other side, blasters on full to keep from hitting the trash.

[hulkbusted]

"We're both on a road paved with good intentions," Bruce mutters.

He doesn't try to take over flying; he'd rather let FRIDAY do it than throw himself into a spin that turns the suit into a vomit comet.

And speaking of vomit comets. He keeps his eyes tightly closed going through the wormhole, and when the Gs get high for a few seconds, he makes a few noises that are pretty close to whimpers before they're through and hovering over a planet he'd been happily certain he'd never visit again.

"Have you ever thrown up in the suit? Oh yeah, and welcome to Sakaar. One small step, etc., etc."

[starkingenuity]

“No—. WHY? Banner? Banner did you throw up in my suit. You have the chips in there!” Oh man. Serves him right. His own little pack is filled with the essentials of good hygiene but there goes all of their munchies!

Thankfully, many are packaged. A little dunk in some soapy water—. Not that there appears to be any soapy water at all. Or maybe the occupants of this place are just morally opposed to it?

Hard to say.

Tony turns to frown, unseen behind the helmet, at his dearest friend.

“Okay hot-shot. Where do we—. Oh. Never mind. This way.”

Try not to throw up again?

[hulkbusted]

"I didn't throw up." And Tony's just going to have to miss out on the vaguely disgusted frown that Bruce is wearing. "We went through the Devil's Anus - I didn't name it - and I didn't throw up. This wasn't as bad."

He hadn't told Tony about the stunt flying he'd been forced to pull out of his ass here on Sakaar. Maybe he'd save that as a surprise for some other time.

"Just follow him, FRIDAY," Bruce mutters to the AI, not that she really needs the instruction. If Tony's looking for sign of Hulk, then that window on the tower with Hulk's face on it that looks like it was broken from the inside is probably a good place to start. So it's irresponsibly high up; when has that mattered to Hulk?

[starkingenuity]

This is why Tony really likes the Hulk. It’s why they jive so well. They both are irresponsible. They both are daredevils. They both occasionally fly out of windows from inside their own homes.

Tony does a lap around the entire tower, making comments on the faces, on the structure, on how high above the garbage smell they are. He’s so very pleased by it. Whoever crafted this is crazy and a genius and Tony can relate.

It’s not until they reach what had obviously been Bruce’s worse half that Tony steps down from the sky and out of the whole suit.

“This. Is. Amazing! Love the decor. Very tribal without the racial leaning. This takes me back to my youth. Love it!”

[hulkbusted]

Hulk also has abandonment issues like Tony.

FRIDAY deposits Bruce inside the Hulk-sized room and releases him from the suit, and for at least five seconds he's too relieved to no longer be encased to even notice his surroundings. Then he has to stop and turn a circle, staring at the room, taking in the shield embedded in the wall and the--

"Is that a hot tub?" Hulk in a hot tub? Can they go home now?

It looks like the revolution distracted from any cleanup in Hulk's quarters, and with no champion to watch over, there are no guards in the hall.

He wanders over to shelves covered in bottles and opens one out of curiosity before shaking his head and quickly putting the top back on. "And alcohol? Who thinks it's a good idea to let Hulk drink?"

It probably has no affect on him; nothing else seems to, and God knows Bruce has tried.

[starkingenuity]

Hulk in a hot tub surrounded by beautiful women is one of those things that can keep Tony going for years. He won’t tell Banner, the guy is pretty weird when it comes to his alter ego (wonder why?) and he doesn’t think his friend will like it that Tony would be insinuating to having a new fantasy life when he’s alone with some hand cream and his eyes closed.

He’s not the only one though. Banner has been away for awhile and probably hasn’t looked online for fanfic on the Hulk. There’s a lot of it. Their fans are crazy. Sexy, but crazy.

“Rogers can’t get drunk. He probably can’t either. But I absolutely can. And it’s vacation!” Perfect excuse! He’s going to be trying some of that. “FRIDAY, scan that tub for cleanliness. No offense but I don’t want to have to UV light this place if we can just nip it in the bud.”

The Hulk was living pretty great here.

Tony kind of wishes that he hadn’t missed out.

[hulkbusted]

Bruce would like to forget that he even knows that fanfic exists; he definitely doesn't want to know that people have robust fantasy lives involving someone whose proportions logically would break anyone he did anything with. That includes Tony.

"You're not--" Bruce scrubs a hand through his hair and stops himself right there. Of course he is. "You're going to try out the hot tub, aren't you?"

He wanders away as FRIDAY scans the hot tub and pronounces it clean with freshly circulating water. Trash planet apparently doesn't mean that the upper echelons lack for their luxuries, and the Grandmaster's Champion had gotten a slice of that.

Except that when he examines the archway out of the room and into the hall, he spots mechanisms that tell a somewhat different story. One that gets fleshed out a little by the control panel on the other side of those mechanisms. "I don't know if he was free to leave, Tony. He had to go out the window and these look like some kind of energy projectors."

[starkingenuity]

“Correction. We are going to try out the hot tub,” Tony says, though his interests lie in the window itself. The Hulk has been known to leap insane distances and to go for miles by bounding alone. He’s seen videos of straight jumping without a running start and he has no doubt that if the Hulk had wanted to leave, he could have done it whenever he wanted. Window or no window. He just doesn’t know why he suddenly wanted to, after two years. Had he been that happy here?

The question is concerning and the conflagration when Banner mentions that this suite was less of a room and more of a supposed prison.

“They thought they could keep him in,” Tony says. “But joke’s on them. He stayed because he wanted to stay.” Likely due to that rad effigy of him on the building itself. “He really liked it here. He liked it enough that he didn’t care that these people thought he was a captive.”

So weird.

And kind of wonderful too. For the Hulk to be at peace in supposed captivity meant that he had been fulfilled.

“I think Thor ruined the Big Guy’s fun.”

[hulkbusted]

"He liked killing people for an audience." Bruce feels ill just thinking about it. "So don't go sounding like you admired him or what happened here. This was wrong."

He's not going to tell Tony about the Hulkfest outside, either. People throwing around green powder and dancing with effigies and Hulk masks.

This was a bad idea. He should never have even joked about coming here, and he shouldn't have gone along with Tony when Tony latched onto it.

He kicks a big red ball on the floor and winces when it barely rolls. "You know, I was wearing huge strings of beads when I came back. Big beads and a Hulk-sized kilt."

[starkingenuity]

“It’s a very human thing to get a kick out of watching people kill each other.” That doesn’t make it all right but Banner looks like he’s about to have a mini melt down. And Tony can’t risk their super fun vacation being toppled over before they have any fun.

Maybe it wasn’t smart to even think that this could be fun. They’re both too broken for any sort of vacation. They’re too broken for almost everyone else in their lives. It’s a really sad thought.

What’s worse is that Tony saw what had happened here. He’d watched Bruce breakdown. And he still convinced him to come back. He never learns. Pepper was — is — completely right.

“Let’s go back home.” To that crypt of Tony’s youth that isn’t really home. Tony’s home is in the water, in ruins. He gave his address to an insane man through an actor and he broke his only happiness. “There’s a hot tub at the mansion if you wanna skinny dip there.”

His eyes say that he’s sorry. He just can’t verbally express it.

[hulkbusted]

Yes. Let's go now. FRIDAY, let me back in that suit.

The words are on the tip of his tongue. He could do it, cut this short, go back to Earth, and then neither of them would be home anyway. How about if they just pick a random wormhole and go through it? Say fuck it and just not go back at all. He's pretty sure he can fly a spaceship if he really, really has to. They could steal one.

It's a nice thought for half a second before he brushes it away along with the idea of going back.

He gives Tony a wan smile for the offer, though. "You crammed me into an Iron Man suit. If you think I'm just turning around and going back without getting some actual vacation in, you've pulled a few too many Gs."

He gives the ball a shove with the side of his foot to send it rolling toward Tony. "Just... can you stop sounding like you admire what Hulk did here?"

[starkingenuity]

“I just don’t hate him,” Tony says truthfully. “He’s one of my teammates.” And that used to mean family. “He saved my life. I’m sorry if that pisses you off, Banner—“ Like everything does, Huge Anger Issues— “But if it’s any consolation, I like you a lot better.” That’s probably no consolation at all.

Tony doesn’t have a lot of taste. Most people would say that.

“How about we find a room that’s less giant sized and more Stark and Banner friendly. With a hot tub. Because you need it way more than I do.”

But first? They have to turn off the security systems. Luckily, they’re a bunch of geniuses.

[hulkbusted]

"You can care about a teammate and still not condone murder." And no, it's no consolation. It might have been two years ago, but not now.

But he lets it go there. Maybe a hot tub would be nice. Hell, Hulk's hot tub looks nice, but getting out of there and somewhere without potential flashback triggers is a good idea.

"Let's try the rest of this floor. There might be other rooms for the elite gladiators up here, and if there are, they're probably not in residence with the revolution going on."

He does, however stop at the edge of the archway and point out the control panel to Tony. "Tell me that you or one of the suits have a trick up your sleeve for this."

[starkingenuity]

“Both. What will you give me if I can disarm this thing in ten minutes?” He can’t help but flirt with and tease the other man. Nothing can ever come of it. Maybe that’s what makes him safe. Tony can have his closeness without it ever going too far. There’s not going to be extended contact and he has spent the better part of two days easing into a romantic sort of friendship with his absentee friend.

Most of him knows that’s because he craves that sort of connection and Banner is the only one giving him that attention right now. The rest of him doesn’t give a flying fuck what his reasoning behind this one sided, forced platonic love affair is.

He has already cracked open the box. This is all alien to him but the guy’s taught himself languages in the span of a few hours to conduct complicated business transactions. He can do this.

[hulkbusted]

"I already gave you a wormhole, what more can you ask for?" Bruce has the emotional intelligence of Hulk sometimes. It doesn't even think about crossing his mind that Tony's flirtations are anything but the ingrained habit of years of being the billionaire playboy philanthropist. He'd written Natasha off when she'd been flirting with him, too.

Who could possibly want someone with the enormous issues he has? Oh, and Hulk on top of those issues. It would always be the worst kind of menage a trois.

While Tony amuses himself hacking his first alien system that isn't of Chitauri origin, Bruce wanders the room a little more, touching bottles, smoothing the blanket on the bed, nudging the enormous hammer on the floor with his toe, trying to picture Hulk living like a person here.

By the time Tony's got the system cracked, Bruce has grabbed one of the huge bottles off of the shelves and after a whiff to ensure it isn't too foul, brings it with him to Tony's side. "My offering for your skills."

[starkingenuity]

Ninety nine percent of that playboy doesn’t really want Bruce to figure out how he feels. He likes this game. It’s dangerous, but he’s only going to break himself at the end of it when he just can’t stop pushing. Everyone else will come out unscathed for once and so he doesn’t mind it st all. The more drawn out it is, the better. Tony is an adrenaline junky. Who better to get his proverbial rocks off with that s guy that can keep up with him intellectually, who will follow along with his crazy and who can stand up to that crazy and reign him in?

Oh. And who also turns into the coolest rage beast ever?

That’s right. Only Bruce Banner.

Tony has actually forgotten about the bet when the force field short circuits. He’s just happy to have had the mental challenge and so when Bruce offers him the liquor he’d forgotten about too, the engineer grins.

“We need to play more games like these. I like winning.”

This isn’t alcohol that’s really made for humans though. And the moment Tony tries some, right out of the bottle (so much for his germaphobia, right?) he’s already on his ass.