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[starkingenuity]

[Tony volunteers for the worst sort of body take over ever: here.]

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[starkingenuity]

“What are you supposed to help with? Five years ago, we could have really decided that running a group of lab techs could be in the cards. Maybe even two years ago when I officially tried to retire after I talked you into helping me create something that killed thousands of people.” How does a man age in minutes? Tony’s lived through s lot. He’s had a crazy life, right up to and including being possessed by an alien that wanted to have babies with this guy here and might have left some residual feelings for Bruce behind (she didn’t, they were always there, Tony just is trying to ignore them). He just looks so old now. So ancient.

It’s the problem with being a genius, of being effortlessly rich, of never actually having to care until your own shell is used to blow up your escort and you’ve got a car battery keeping you from dying for a few months. One day it all just catches up with you—

Well. That’s not true. Without Pepper, or Steve or Bruce in his life, he’s become the crazy guy sleeping on the couch in a mansion he owns. And technically, this is how he’s always been, shouldering it all in public and collapsing when he’s alone. He doesn’t deal so well. He makes mistakes. People suffer. Lose everything. Die.

“I’m trying to fix the things I broke. Buildings and cities I can do. But people are a lot harder.”

And now he’s dumped all of his crazy on Bruce, a guy he probably would have confided in about the palladium poisoning too if the guy had been in his life back then.

[hulkbusted]

"I have no idea," Bruce admits tiredly. Because he knows how he deals with things when he makes mistakes and people suffer, lose everything, and die, and Tony takes a slightly less literal approach to running away than Bruce does.

He'd had a good couple of years as an Avenger. He'd had friends, a sense of purpose, an idea that he could do some good in the world, and then Ultron. It had felt like a slap in the face that had woken him up from a dream. He'd had plenty of those, and his patterns were so deeply ingrained that even Hulk stayed true to Banner form when the chips were down. Only when Hulk had run away, he'd run away from the whole solar system, not just to another country.

What Hulk had done was as over the top, larger than life, how can anything so big be real? as Hulk himself.

"Want to grab a wormhole and go? You, me, a well-equipped quinjet and a couple of suits?" He doesn't really mean it. Okay, he means it marginally more than he'd meant the suggestion of getting married in Australia.

He can't even fix himself. He is Not Qualified to fix anyone else.

[starkingenuity]

“You’re going to have to put up with the crotch,” Tony says. He’s tempted. He’s more than tempted. Running away isn’t his thing, but what is his thing isn’t working out at all for him. At all. “I’m not making you something from scratch. If we’re going, we’re going now before we decide it’s a bad idea.”

Tony’s already up. The guy who had been on the verge of a breakdown is suddenly on the move, recliner left half open as he has FRIDAY project current stock on the wall. He can’t bring a lot with him if they’re going by power armor… Though he does have a prototype tool kit hard pack he’s planning on filling with toiletries.

If you can’t find good deodorant in the Middle East, there’s no way you’re gonna find it on a trash planet. He turns, calculating cubic inches of products in his head, and arches his eyebrows at Banner. “C’mon.”

[hulkbusted]

"I meant for you." Tony needs backups.

And there goes Tony... Bruce watches in helpless bemusement as his not-quite-a-joke is met with a measure of seriousness he really should have anticipated.

He thinks about pulling it back. Telling Tony he didn't mean it and he can't run away from the shitshow on Earth.

Seriously, though? He doesn't want to. He pushes himself to his feet and says, "Friday, I'm going to need you to change that grocery order."

He pokes Tony in the arm. "This isn't bugging out; this is a vacation. Set a time frame, then we have to come back." They both have messes to clean up, but Tony clearly, desperately needs some time to clear his head, and that isn't going to happen for him anywhere on Earth.

[starkingenuity]

“If you think, for a second, that I can live on a trash planet for the rest of my life, you’re mistaken,” Tony says, an off-hand remark that is delivered with a smirk to his friend. He knows what he’s leaving behind. Rhodey still needs him for tune ups. The rest of the Avengers need him to sign off on missions-- But to get away from it? Even for a little while?

Tony will just pack a whole lot of hand sanitizer and extra socks. And then they’ll be good to go.

Bruce is welcome to following Tony around, but he won’t get much out of the engineer until he’s finished getting his things together. He’s decided to bring his current armor and one of the larger armors. It will give Bruce the space he needs and Tony can probably get away with shoving some extra supplies in there with him. What? He’s nothing if not resourceful!

“I only have one stipulation,” he says as he shoves a can of tuna into Bruce’s shirt. “No hooking up with Kiara.”

[hulkbusted]

Bruce doesn't waste time following Tony around. Once it's obvious that (they both should be committed) that Tony is committed to this direction, Bruce takes the path of least resistance and jogs back upstairs to find his bug out bag, the one he'd left behind when he left the tower behind. For him, having that backpack is true luxury.

In the meantime he tells FRIDAY to put a rush on his amended food order.

He's quite certain that he's lost his mind.

Back downstairs, he fumbles at the tuna can and gapes at Tony. "That's your stipulation? Fine, but you can't sleep with her either. That would be taking a scarily narcissistic turn."

[starkingenuity]

“Deal. You’re the prize anyway.” And that is wholly serious, though it’s very hard to tell just how serious Tony is even when the corners of his lips don’t turn up in sarcasm. It’s a wonder anyone’s ever dated him, much less a smart woman like Pepper, and for so long! To follow the tuna goes an entire loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. Tony’s just committed to being able to eat comfort food while they’re gone and this armor of Bruce’s has lots of extra space to hide fishies and chocolate bars—

Well. Maybe not chocolate bars. Bruce runs hot. He’ll be a sticky mess in no time. Tony shoves his arm into the neck of the armor to retrieve the candy, forehead and overly producted bangs brushing the other man’s neck.

They’ve not yet discussed how Bruce feels about being in the Iron Man armor. Tony doesn’t intend to discuss anything. FRIDAY can fly the scientist around just fine.

But that’s not the problem. And Tony is planning to ignore all problems right now.

[hulkbusted]

"Some prize," Bruce mutters, because he absolutely doesn't see himself that way and can't imagine that Tony's doing anything other than giving him a hard time.

Then he's wriggling away from the hand going down the armor because wow, that's weird. "Tell me again why I'm wearing armor now? Can't we save that for when the feces flies?"

He's not arguing against the armor at all because there will be no Hulk on this getaway, but this seems-- "It's premature, and why are you shoving chocolate in here with me? Isn't that a terrible idea? And get your hand off my ass."

The last is just to get a little of his own back, since Tony's not actually near his ass.

[starkingenuity]

"Your ass has no problem with my hand," Tony says, peeking down to see where he might out more of Bruce's grocery order in. Or some spare socks. "And you're wearing the suit so we can get to the wormhole. I'm not taking the quinjet right back there. Someone will notice and someone will wonder why I'm hanging around. These suits have better stealth capabilities. Aren't you supposed to be a genius? Do I have to explain everything to you?"

No, Tony. You don't have to explain everything but you do have to explain something. Like how Bruce is going to be contained in a tiny, dark, man-sized shell and flown around on repulsors.

The guy doesn't like to fly. How do you think he feels about the lack of cocktail service on this particular flight?

"Are you done complaining? No? Take it up with management. And don't hold your breath. You're not going to suffocate in there."

[hulkbusted]

"This sounds like a terrible vacation." He'd been thinking something a little less... armored. "We could do camping out a lot more comfortably in a quinjet."

He's trying to turn circles to see what the hell Tony is doing and it's disconcerting the disconnect between the effort he feels like he needs to put out and the reactions of the armor.

"And you are the management, so I'm taking it up with you. Are we just going to go tromping around Sakaar in these things?"

It's just so... vulnerable. Yes, he knows it isn't, but has Tony ever really gotten it through his head that Bruce feels vulnerable all the time?

[starkingenuity]

"Well Management is busy right now. Leave a message." Tony thinks about Tony first. He'd had his little breakdown but now he's back to the mania we all know and love. And that means that to Tony, Bruce is just a willing participant in whatever he wants to do. He's a Tazmanian Devil here, he's a whirling dervish and Bruce simply can't avoid him.

"I saw a whole huge tower. You're going to tell me that there's no place to stay there?" Tony isn't buying it. "You stayed there for years. Let's go see your digs."

With Bruce suited up and loaded to the brim with mostly snack food, Tony tells FRIDAY that he's good to go, and that means that the rest of the armor is just going to morph over Bruce's head. He can't very well fly without his helmet on. The G-forces would trigger the Hulk immediately!

[hulkbusted]

"I never saw Hulk's digs." Not his. Hulk's. Don't you start conflating them, too, Tony.

He twitches inside the suit when the helmet closes around him, but FRIDAY has anticipated his responses at this point and keeps him from falling back through a wall or stomping through the floor. At least if he did either of those things, he might be able to dissuade Tony from this course of action.

"And we don't have any local currency and unless you're using cans of tuna as trade goods, I don't think we're going to get far in polite society." He's not going to panic. He's not going to panic. He's going to close his eyes, take a few deep breaths and--

"There's got to be a better way!"

[starkingenuity]

Still wandering around in comfortable pants and a t-shirt, Tony takes Bruce by the shoulders of his arm and leans in towards the helmet. His image, projected on the faceplate, distorts this close and Bruce can't feel his breath or the heat of his skin as he might have done without the helmet on. A blessing and a curse. When's the last time Tony's brushed his teeth?

"Try to trust me a little. I'm never going to hurt you." Purposefully. He's not saying that out loud though! "This is the best armor I've got. It's the sturdiest and the easiest ride. You can sleep in it and you'll hardly even know you're moving. It'll be smoother than a car."

Hulk isn't around right now to tell them that they can't have a good time in his bachelor pad on Sakaar. And it can't be so hard to find. Hulk's...Hulk. And evidently civilized when on alien wormhole trash planets. So there's that.

"It's going to be fun, Banner! Promise!" And off he goes, that whirlwind at it again, getting himself tidied up in his own armor, a garish, shiny gold.

[hulkbusted]

While Bruce believes that Tony won't intentionally hurt him, if something goes unintentionally wrong, one or both of them has a much greater chance of getting stranded on Sakaar.

He comes close to just tapping out, refusing to go, declaring this all a stupid, reckless, insane idea. He doesn't, and it's solely because of the tired, worn down man who'd been sitting across from him in a living room that had clearly been used as a bedroom lately. If he taps out, he honestly doesn't know if that'll be the straw that breaks the camel's back, or just one that'll be counted among many when the day comes that Tony finishes breaking.

He just can't do that to Tony. Won't do it.

"We aren't getting involved in any wars, no revolutions, no reordering of a corrupt system. We're there for a break, not more of the same."

And he's never ever said that to himself and then gotten involved in something he shouldn't. No. Never. Not... once.

Are his pants on fire yet?

[starkingenuity]

“We’re there to play in an openly hedonistic society for a little while, Banner! Don’t worry, I have no intention of changing s thing!” They’re off a moment later and Tony’s right. If Bruce closes his eyes, he isn’t even going to notice that they’re flying. If he wants to watch and participate however, FRIDAY is very willing to help out. She’s a great tour guide too.

Getting to the wormhole this time is so much faster than before. It really does pay to have taken the armors with them. Even full of junk food and scared — and elated — scientists.

Tony doesn’t let himself hesitate before he flies through the camouflaged opening. If he does, he’ll never do it and getting off of earth seems like the best bet for healing.

He’s thrown around a bit, but comes out all right on the other side, blasters on full to keep from hitting the trash.

[hulkbusted]

"We're both on a road paved with good intentions," Bruce mutters.

He doesn't try to take over flying; he'd rather let FRIDAY do it than throw himself into a spin that turns the suit into a vomit comet.

And speaking of vomit comets. He keeps his eyes tightly closed going through the wormhole, and when the Gs get high for a few seconds, he makes a few noises that are pretty close to whimpers before they're through and hovering over a planet he'd been happily certain he'd never visit again.

"Have you ever thrown up in the suit? Oh yeah, and welcome to Sakaar. One small step, etc., etc."

[starkingenuity]

“No—. WHY? Banner? Banner did you throw up in my suit. You have the chips in there!” Oh man. Serves him right. His own little pack is filled with the essentials of good hygiene but there goes all of their munchies!

Thankfully, many are packaged. A little dunk in some soapy water—. Not that there appears to be any soapy water at all. Or maybe the occupants of this place are just morally opposed to it?

Hard to say.

Tony turns to frown, unseen behind the helmet, at his dearest friend.

“Okay hot-shot. Where do we—. Oh. Never mind. This way.”

Try not to throw up again?

[hulkbusted]

"I didn't throw up." And Tony's just going to have to miss out on the vaguely disgusted frown that Bruce is wearing. "We went through the Devil's Anus - I didn't name it - and I didn't throw up. This wasn't as bad."

He hadn't told Tony about the stunt flying he'd been forced to pull out of his ass here on Sakaar. Maybe he'd save that as a surprise for some other time.

"Just follow him, FRIDAY," Bruce mutters to the AI, not that she really needs the instruction. If Tony's looking for sign of Hulk, then that window on the tower with Hulk's face on it that looks like it was broken from the inside is probably a good place to start. So it's irresponsibly high up; when has that mattered to Hulk?

[starkingenuity]

This is why Tony really likes the Hulk. It’s why they jive so well. They both are irresponsible. They both are daredevils. They both occasionally fly out of windows from inside their own homes.

Tony does a lap around the entire tower, making comments on the faces, on the structure, on how high above the garbage smell they are. He’s so very pleased by it. Whoever crafted this is crazy and a genius and Tony can relate.

It’s not until they reach what had obviously been Bruce’s worse half that Tony steps down from the sky and out of the whole suit.

“This. Is. Amazing! Love the decor. Very tribal without the racial leaning. This takes me back to my youth. Love it!”

[hulkbusted]

Hulk also has abandonment issues like Tony.

FRIDAY deposits Bruce inside the Hulk-sized room and releases him from the suit, and for at least five seconds he's too relieved to no longer be encased to even notice his surroundings. Then he has to stop and turn a circle, staring at the room, taking in the shield embedded in the wall and the--

"Is that a hot tub?" Hulk in a hot tub? Can they go home now?

It looks like the revolution distracted from any cleanup in Hulk's quarters, and with no champion to watch over, there are no guards in the hall.

He wanders over to shelves covered in bottles and opens one out of curiosity before shaking his head and quickly putting the top back on. "And alcohol? Who thinks it's a good idea to let Hulk drink?"

It probably has no affect on him; nothing else seems to, and God knows Bruce has tried.

[starkingenuity]

Hulk in a hot tub surrounded by beautiful women is one of those things that can keep Tony going for years. He won’t tell Banner, the guy is pretty weird when it comes to his alter ego (wonder why?) and he doesn’t think his friend will like it that Tony would be insinuating to having a new fantasy life when he’s alone with some hand cream and his eyes closed.

He’s not the only one though. Banner has been away for awhile and probably hasn’t looked online for fanfic on the Hulk. There’s a lot of it. Their fans are crazy. Sexy, but crazy.

“Rogers can’t get drunk. He probably can’t either. But I absolutely can. And it’s vacation!” Perfect excuse! He’s going to be trying some of that. “FRIDAY, scan that tub for cleanliness. No offense but I don’t want to have to UV light this place if we can just nip it in the bud.”

The Hulk was living pretty great here.

Tony kind of wishes that he hadn’t missed out.

[hulkbusted]

Bruce would like to forget that he even knows that fanfic exists; he definitely doesn't want to know that people have robust fantasy lives involving someone whose proportions logically would break anyone he did anything with. That includes Tony.

"You're not--" Bruce scrubs a hand through his hair and stops himself right there. Of course he is. "You're going to try out the hot tub, aren't you?"

He wanders away as FRIDAY scans the hot tub and pronounces it clean with freshly circulating water. Trash planet apparently doesn't mean that the upper echelons lack for their luxuries, and the Grandmaster's Champion had gotten a slice of that.

Except that when he examines the archway out of the room and into the hall, he spots mechanisms that tell a somewhat different story. One that gets fleshed out a little by the control panel on the other side of those mechanisms. "I don't know if he was free to leave, Tony. He had to go out the window and these look like some kind of energy projectors."

[starkingenuity]

“Correction. We are going to try out the hot tub,” Tony says, though his interests lie in the window itself. The Hulk has been known to leap insane distances and to go for miles by bounding alone. He’s seen videos of straight jumping without a running start and he has no doubt that if the Hulk had wanted to leave, he could have done it whenever he wanted. Window or no window. He just doesn’t know why he suddenly wanted to, after two years. Had he been that happy here?

The question is concerning and the conflagration when Banner mentions that this suite was less of a room and more of a supposed prison.

“They thought they could keep him in,” Tony says. “But joke’s on them. He stayed because he wanted to stay.” Likely due to that rad effigy of him on the building itself. “He really liked it here. He liked it enough that he didn’t care that these people thought he was a captive.”

So weird.

And kind of wonderful too. For the Hulk to be at peace in supposed captivity meant that he had been fulfilled.

“I think Thor ruined the Big Guy’s fun.”

[hulkbusted]

"He liked killing people for an audience." Bruce feels ill just thinking about it. "So don't go sounding like you admired him or what happened here. This was wrong."

He's not going to tell Tony about the Hulkfest outside, either. People throwing around green powder and dancing with effigies and Hulk masks.

This was a bad idea. He should never have even joked about coming here, and he shouldn't have gone along with Tony when Tony latched onto it.

He kicks a big red ball on the floor and winces when it barely rolls. "You know, I was wearing huge strings of beads when I came back. Big beads and a Hulk-sized kilt."

[starkingenuity]

“It’s a very human thing to get a kick out of watching people kill each other.” That doesn’t make it all right but Banner looks like he’s about to have a mini melt down. And Tony can’t risk their super fun vacation being toppled over before they have any fun.

Maybe it wasn’t smart to even think that this could be fun. They’re both too broken for any sort of vacation. They’re too broken for almost everyone else in their lives. It’s a really sad thought.

What’s worse is that Tony saw what had happened here. He’d watched Bruce breakdown. And he still convinced him to come back. He never learns. Pepper was — is — completely right.

“Let’s go back home.” To that crypt of Tony’s youth that isn’t really home. Tony’s home is in the water, in ruins. He gave his address to an insane man through an actor and he broke his only happiness. “There’s a hot tub at the mansion if you wanna skinny dip there.”

His eyes say that he’s sorry. He just can’t verbally express it.