Who the Hell is Bucky?

[starkingenuity]

"So you cut your hair, destroyed SHIELD, get Fury killed and now you want to team up again?"  Tony turned in his swivel chair three quarters to the left and two to the right like some evil super villain while Bruce Banner rolled his eyes behind him.  Wisely, he stayed quiet.  Being Tony's 'other half' and his 'soul mate' and worse, his therapist, was enough to give him a good enough idea of what staying quiet tended to do for him.

Chiefly?  He didn't get pulled into these sorts of conversations.

"And did you like grow another three inches around your biceps?  It's people like you that make it harder for ordinary guys to get dates on Friday night."

Comments

[starspangledspandex]

"That was not training," Steve responds sharply because it's one thing to run five miles in the mud in the middle of a thunderstorm and another to be electrocuted until you forget everything about yourself. He dragged his hand through his hair.

"I chose who I work for," he told him. "When I found out it was Hydra, I was furious. I did everything I could to take them down."

He frowns at the question. There's a lot in there. None of it good. "Why? What do you want to know?"

[whothehellisbucky]

Hydra. The name doesn't matter and it means nothing. The tone Steve takes tells him that it should matter but Bucky can not bring himself to care. And he knows that is wrong too. It hurts Steve. Hurting Steve is equal parts triumphant and truly terrifying. The leather encased steel hand finds another slice of pizza. This one he just holds.

And holds perhaps a bit too tightly at that. He can't help himself.

"Why? Because you wanted to talk. Because you want me to remember. And I want to remember too so I can get on with it."

He thinks that once it comes back to him, he'll be free. He can leave this news position in Steve's army. He has no idea.

[starspangledspandex]

He shifts in his seat and makes himself take another bite of pizza. Just two friends out for lunch, no big deal except that's not what it is at all. There's a lot riding on this.

Steve shakes his head, "Then you don't want what's in your file. You want what I know. You were born James Buchanan Barnes in Brooklyn in 1917. We met when we were kids. You saved me from a scrap I was in."

[whothehellisbucky]

But this feels like someone else is setting benchmarks for him. Someone else is forcing him to know only what he's meant to. Nothing more. Bucky's jaw sets and for a moment, he nearly crushes the pizza so hard it liquified. Instead, grease and sauce smear his glove.

"That makes you just like them," he intones. He wants to fight. There's little Steve can do about it. "Gate keeping information."

[starspangledspandex]

"I never said I wouldn't tell you," he responds pointedly. "Most of what's in there is your missions. Who, what, where when, completion details."

He adds in disgust, dropping his pizza on his plate, "It talks about the specifics and science behind your 'training'."

Steve takes a deep breath, "I have it back at my apartment. You're welcome to go through it. I don't intend to keep things from you. That's just not who you are."

[whothehellisbucky]

"That's who I've been for most of my life," he complains. Eating is over. He's not had enough to sustain him but it's going to have to do. He's survived on less...he thinks. Hunger doesn't seem to hit him like it should so it's an educated guess at best.

He stands, expecting Steve to stand with him.

"So what is it? I go back to your apartment--" Likely still covered in blood. "Or to your new base of operation?" And like a snap, he's back in the wrong mindset again. It's not Steve's fault. His mind is aclimating.

[starspangledspandex]

He drops the pizza he's holding and stands up with Bucky, pulling out his wallet to throw cash on the table. It should cover the pizza. Someone will box up the rest of it for them.

"What do you eat on your hotdogs?" he asks the other man, eyeing him as they stand there. "What's your favorite kind of pizza? Color? Movie?"

Steve rubs a hand at his forehead, "My apartment long enough to grab the file and my bag. I've been planning on moving to base for awhile. We'll head there as soon as I have them."

[whothehellisbucky]

Silence is all that Steve get and silence will follow Steve, just like a little puppy, back to his apartment too. There are plenty of thoughts buzzing around in Bucky's head, but he's trying to eradicate them. He's trying so very hard to push them out.

Silence is serenity and when the nagging is finished, it will allow him just to move fluidly, do his task, and go back to sleep.

Sleep is the carrot, though he remembers something of a time where he'd been left awake for longer than he needed to be...

He remembers red hair.

He clamps his thoughts down as if his artery had been severed and he's trying to keep his blood from spilling down his skin.

At Steve's apartment, he takes a seat where Fury had last been. He hardly breathes.

[starspangledspandex]

He just watches him quietly for a moment more before he pushes away from the table and heads for his apartment. He hopes that he's hitting some kind of nerve here. He assumes so but it's hard to tell.

Steve climbs up to his apartment and lets them both in. He moves quickly to collect his bag and the file that Bucky had wanted. This, he suspects, is a copy of one that Natasha had kept for herself but that's fine.

He comes back out with his bag and eyes the other man sitting in the chair, "You alright?"

[whothehellisbucky]

All right? He doesn't remember the last time that he's been all right. In fact? He doesn't think he's ever been all right. Head heavy, Bucky's chin touches his chest, hair falling in front of his face in straggles from where it had been tucked behind his ear.

"I'm shuffling between being a monster and not caring that I'm a monster," he says with unleashed honesty. "I don't know what to do."

[starspangledspandex]

Steve puts his bag down and drops the file on top of it, then carefully shifts to crouch in front of the chair. He doesn't really have the answers for him.

"You're not a monster," he says finally. "They made you one. You don't have to be one now. You just have to figure out who you are again."

[whothehellisbucky]

They made you one. That still makes him a monster. Bucky looks up, his brows furrowed. "I know who you want me to be. I don't know that guy, Steve. And I don't know you either."

But he remembers couch cushion beds. He remembers a very sick woman and Steve constantly running home to her. He remembers a funeral--

There are tears in his eyes when he stands up abruptly. "Are you ready to go?"

[starspangledspandex]

No, that makes what he'd turned into a monster. Bucky is a good man and he's still in there somewhere; Steve believes that completely. Steve hesitates trying to figure out how to say what he's thinking. "I want you to be something more the Winter Soldier. I don't care who that person is but I would like you to at least remember who you used to be."

The tears make his forehead crease and he stands up, wetting his lips. "I am, yeah." A pause and he asks, "Did you... remember something?" He hopes he can prompt him to at least think about asking questions about what he sees.

[whothehellisbucky]

"It comes and goes," he says. "Pieces. Like I have to glue together fragments of a glass and-- No. I don't remember anything real."

It feels like a dream, more of a dream than the last mission. Every small piece doesn't seem to make a lick of sense. The edges are smooth and he doesn't know how they fit together.

"Where are we going?"

[starspangledspandex]

He tilts his head as he listens to Bucky and he frowns slightly--nothing real? "How do you know it isn't real?" he asks carefully. He also adds, "I don't promise to know every moment but if you have questions about something you see, you just have to ask."

Steve shifts to collect his bag and the file. "New York," he replies as he pulls out his key to lock the door behind him. He wishes his bike hadn't been wrecked but what can you do? "I borrowed a car from a teammate so don't go thinking it's mine."

The vehicle in the parking area downstairs that he walks over to is flashy and has a license plate that declares it STARK 13.

[whothehellisbucky]

The maroonish-purple convertible with cherry red interior is not Strve's style and for a moment, Bucky almost smiles. The light in his eyes does a moment later, as if he realized what he'd done and he climbs into the passenger seat with a jump over the door.

He does it without thinking. His fingers lightly touch the interior before he glances at Steve. "Howard...?"

He doesn't know why he can place the name. The face eludes him.

[starspangledspandex]

Steve nearly misses the door handle when he reaches for it and then shakes his head, "...no, not Howard. He was..." He hesitates, "He was in a car accident caused by Hydra and didn't make it out."

He slides into the driver's seat, "This is Tony's." He gives Bucky a small grin, "Close though, Tony is Howard's son. There's some resemblance there."

[whothehellisbucky]

Killed by Hydra. A friend. A friend of both of theirs.

"Did I...?"

It's one thing to find out you've killed other people and so much more to know you've killed people you use to care for. He turns bright eyes towards Steve, almost afraid of the answer.

[starspangledspandex]

Steve is quiet for a moment before he turns the key in the ignition and he says, "I'm not sure. I'll admit I skipped that part of the file. It... looks pretty likely."

[whothehellisbucky]

Bucky is alone with his thoughts after that, his head aching and his heart... He tries to convince himself that he doesn't feel a thing anyway so it doesn't matter. Wind in his hair causes the long strands to come free of their tie and he lets the elastic blow away too. The drive from DC to New York takes time, but it's time that Bucky refuses to talk during-- At least until they see the familiar skyline.

[starspangledspandex]

Steve's hair is short enough that it just fluffs up a little. It's more disheveled than he normally looks but it doesn't bother him. He doesn't force chatter on Bucky. If the man wants silence, he has it. It's big news to take in but Steve marks that he at least remembers Howard a little as a win, despite the circumstances.

"It's a little different than it used to be," he says as they come up to the city.

[starkingenuity]

"So this is the Winter Soldier? Looks a little short," Tony quips as he smiles at Bucky's scowl. "And less salt and pepper. I guess I just assume that all of Cap's old war buddies to need walkers. And oxygen tanks. And... You know. Life support."

Bucky doesn't move as Tony comes closer.

"Tony Stark. You've heard of me," Tony replies to the silence. "You had to have heard of me. Iron Man? No? I miss my groupies."

[starspangledspandex]

"Tony," Steve responds sharply, scowling at the man's attitude. Bucky's had a hard enough life without Tony poking at him verbally. "I'm moving in today. He's going to bunk in my spare room. He's here to give us a hand with Hydra."

At the very least. At the most, Steve is going to help him remember.

[whothehellisbucky]

"Wow, Cap. Cheating on me? I thought we had this connection--" Bucky's gazed turns towards Tony finally and then towards Steve. There's a questioning look in his eyes before that gaze hardens again. When Bucky is unprepared by something, confused by it, it is easier for him to go blank.

He doesn't know how to live. He certainly doesn't know about social cues.

Eventually, when the ribbing is over, Bucky finds himself in the spare room just off of Steve's. He's never had a room that he remembers before and he touches the pillow gently with his bare hand.

[starspangledspandex]

Steve is convinced that Tony is doing his best to make his life difficult. It'd been hard enough to get Bucky to come back here as it is and now the man is confusing him with jokes. He can't miss the look or the way the other man goes blank and he shoots Tony a flat look. "We've talked about the jokes, Stark."

He only waits a minute or so more before he tells Bucky, "I think we're both ready to see where you'll be staying."

He shows him out and upstairs. Steve had been here a time or two for missions and Tony always tries to get him to stay. He's still going to keep his apartment because he loves it and the area it's in but this is a good temporary home. He leaves Bucky alone for a little bit so he can stash his suitcase and things in his room before he goes to find the other man. He's quiet watching him for a moment before he says, "I'm sorry about Tony."