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[starkingenuity]

[Tony volunteers for the worst sort of body take over ever: here.]

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[starkingenuity]

“I do. Any maybe she needs some action sometimes too. Did you ever think of that? No. Because you’re selfish as hell.” Tony is of course kidding. If anyone is selfish here, it’s him.

And no one would correct him on that.

He hasn’t noticed any exchanging of glances at all. He had no idea that they’ve been recognized and if they had, well all it would mean is he would scarf down his burger, leave a huge tip, and escape. Bruce doesn’t need the recognition and Tony is too jaded to really notice it one way or another.

He does, at least, take a bite of his burger. “And she likes you,” he says, when his mouth is mostly empty. “Maybe she’d find it thrilling.”

[hulkbusted]

Bruce expects that any time spent in public with Tony is going to result in recognition, at least for Tony. There's nothing about Tony's entire presence that says, I'm inconspicuous, don't notice me.

"She doesn't have a crush on Vision?" The AI that became a real boy. Kind of.

Tony's a mess, Bruce is a mess. Name an Avenger, past or present, who isn't a big pile of issues.

He opens his burger to add whatever this house sauce is and snorts at the thought of Tony's voyeur AI watching them in flagrante. Might give the poor innocent her first nightmares. "She likes me because you programmed her and you like me."

[starkingenuity]

“No one likes Vision.” That’s probably unlike Tony but he and his former AI have a really weird relationship. He’s not JARVIS, but he knows everything about being JARVIS and there’s at least a small part of him that resents Tony just a little. And Tony is still in mourning for one of his favorite children. Seeing Vision is a reminder that JARVIS is dead. It’s very strange and Tony hasn’t really dealt with it well in the last two years. Vision is friendlier with his ex too. And that doesn’t help at all. “Except Wanda. And that’s complicated. Whatever.”

Tony munches away, ignoring the giant steak cut fries for the end so he can eat them like they’re ears of corn. He had weird habits. That’s just one of them.

“I don’t program personality, Banner. Well I do. But it’s learned. They have to help me but they don’t have to like me. And they don’t have to like you because I like you. You’re just likeable. That’s all on you. Everyone likes you. Opposite of Vision,” he points out and lifts a hand to the waitress so she’ll bring him something stronger than beer.

[hulkbusted]

"Thor likes the other guy better," Bruce grumbles, then brightens. "He loved the logins on the quinjet. 'Strongest Avenger.'" He has to chuckle a little at that. Bless Tony's trolling.

He's gone hungry too many times to have many quirks left about food. He'll eat anything, whether he likes it or not, but it's true what they say about hunger making the best sauce.

"There's a lot of that complicated thing going around." Bruce doesn't have a whole lot of warmth for Wanda. It's still too raw, too immediate for him. Knowing she's at the Avengers compound will add one more reason why he won't want to live there. "So I'll save asking for more about Vision later."

After all, he's kind of their child, too, and less of a disappointment than Ultron. Mostly Tony's child, but there's a bit of Bruce's DNA in there.

[starkingenuity]

“See. Everyone likes you better. I guess it’s probably natural for my kids to like their mom better than their dad.” Tony’s once again being a little bit telepathic (sorry Bruce) but really, he’s just insightful. When he cares to be. And that’s not really all that often.

He’s also managed to make himself the father in their quasi family, sorry Bruce. He doesn’t know about Bruce’s desire for and fear of having children. He can’t really pass on his genetics to offspring now given how toxic he is. But he’s also afraid of being his own father.

And Tony is too.

But sometimes...like with Peter... he thinks that maybe he can be a good dad. Maybe. If he had the right partner.

It’s really too bad he probably can’t get Banner on board for that.

“We should make a pact. If we aren’t married with kids by fifty, we do it together.” That’s not too far away for the Engineer “Maybe we wouldn’t mess up so bad with real kids.”

[hulkbusted]

"It's the 21st century, Vision can have two daddies." He leaves off destroying his burger to pick at some fries. "Besides, Helen Cho's his mom. How's that for a modern family?"

Bruce would probably like Peter, and the kid's old enough that the most lasting parental damage should already have been done without their intervention.

"With that wording - married with kids by fifty - we might as well get married now because that isn't happening for me. Is it legal in Australia?" He's 100% serious about the married with kids, 99.9% not serious about getting married.

"But I'm not signing on for co-parenting actual human kids. No kid deserves parents with enemies lists as long as ours." No kid deserves parents as inherently messed up as Bruce and Tony, but imagine the damage that Bruce and Tony would do if they did adopt some poor kid and that kid was taken by one of those enemies?

Bruce would tear the world apart and Tony would probably be right at his side. Accords? What Accords?

He finishes off his beer as the waitress comes to take Tony's order, and he's momentarily tempted to order a second. Instead he orders a sparkling water and picks at his fries.

[starkingenuity]

“Yeah. It is. Okay, so let’s see who’s available to officiate.” This isn’t s good time to be joking with a guy with severe abandonment issues. And one who was very recently engaged after six years of a long term relationship.

It’s not good at all.

Who needs fries? The scotch though? That he needs. And a second when Bruce gets his boring sparkling water.

[hulkbusted]

Tony keeps forgetting that Ultron was just last week for Bruce, and Bruce keeps forgetting that it's been a long two years for his friend. For a couple of the most brilliant people on the planet, they're both pretty dumb sometimes.

"What? No prenup? I don't think your attorneys would like that." He's still joking, short on context to let him know how fragile Tony really is right now. It's been a roller coaster of a day.

"Why don't you skip the scotch and you can show me where you're living now. I don't want to see the compound yet."

[starkingenuity]

So that's a no on the wedding? Too bad. Tony closes down his phone and slips it back into his pocket. it makes sense for him to marry Banner, and that's not even the scotch talking (one drink isn't going to do much for him when he's an off again, on again functioning alcoholic). When he dies, Banner would be set for life. It's not like Bruce will go first...

Or ever.

Tony arches an eyebrow at his friend. "We can do both. And pick up a bottle for the way." He's not really sure how he's going to explain where he's at-- But then again, Steve's the only Avenger that really understands his relationship with his dad...and maybe not even him. Pepper would understand what it's like for him to move into the mansion on Long Island but their calls have turned to emails and they're just painfully cordial at this point.

He's going to leave a fantastic tip. A few thousand dollars, American. Lucky waitress.

[hulkbusted]

God, he hopes he can at least die of old age. The mirror tells him he's aging. If he can't die, he's going to be a modern Tithonus, who was gifted immortality but not eternal youth. Of course, what if he can die of age, but that just means that there's nothing but Hulk?

Nightmare fuel.

"Don't tell me there's no scotch where we're going." He's not really going to believe it, although it's possible that Tony's run out. "You're flying us home, so try to keep your blood alcohol level below legal limits for our destination." Yes, he's just inviting himself home with Tony. Anywhere Tony's laying his head, there's going to be room for one homeless scientist to crash.

[starkingenuity]

"On the contrary, I have plenty where we are going, but nothing for the way there," Tony says with a mild hint of play acted irritation. "FRIDAY is our designated driver. If you want another beer or two for the road, order it-- And she's noticed the tip. Shit. Let's see if I can get that bottle before the place erupts." He ought to start carrying cash so this doesn't happen on the way to running his card.

As luck might have it, they get the scotch and a bottle of sparkling water (and whatever else he can talk Banner into having)before they climb back onto the quinjet. Tony only had to pose for half a dozen selfies.

It's probably a record.

He doesn't bother to get into the captain's chair, he just busts open the bottle and sits down in the back.

"You're gonna get to see where five year old me slept and fourteen year old me masturbated constantly on Christmas break from boarding school."

[hulkbusted]

The only thing Tony can talk Bruce into is a to-go box for the rest of his meal, and unfortunately the size of Tony's tip means that no amount of trying to signal don't give it to him does any good in keeping Tony from getting the scotch.

He sidles along the edges of Tony's fan club and is waiting for him outside so they can make a run for it.

He slides down to the deck next to where Tony's sitting and gets back to eating his burger, asking between bites, "Only on Christmas break? Who knew you had so much self-control at that age?"

[starkingenuity]

“I wasn’t in that bed any other time,” Tony laughs. “I was usually at school. Mom and Dad were pretty busy. I was lucky when they remembered that they needed to send for someone to come and get me. Usually that was the real Jarvis.”

Oh Bruce. You’re about to learn so much about him.

He mentioned his Nanny before but he hasn’t informed Bruce that that Nanny was Edwin Jarvis. And besides. Bruce slept through most of the Nanny talk all together.

“The rest of the masturabion happened in my private dorm.”

[hulkbusted]

Bruce tilts his head back against the wall behind him and thinks about the Avengers - Tony, absentee parents; Bruce, abusive, and thankfully dead now father, dead mother; Natasha, the Red Room instead of parents; Cap, dead parents; Thor, loving parents for millennia, losing both his parents and his whole damn planet recently; Barton remains a cipher; but assassins don't usually come from Leave It to Beaver backgrounds; Vision has Bruce and Tony.

No wonder the Avengers are taking sides against one another. The one member who hadn't been a hot mess had been off-planet trying to keep his home from being destroyed.

Thoughts he keeps to himself as he rolls his head enough to look at Tony and raises an eyebrow. "If I'd had that much privacy when I was 14, I might have wished I could die of chafing."

[starkingenuity]

“I mostly wished Tammy classmates didn’t hate me.” It’s a confession he’s surprised to have given, judging by the look on his face before he snorts. “You’re a bad influence. You should have been a therapist. You’re easy to talk to. I know I’ve told you that,” Tony says.

He takes another long swing of the bottle and offers it to Bruce because he makes really good life choices all the time and giving a guy terrified of becoming an abusive alcoholic is total cool.

“What other embarrassing things do you want to know about me?”

[hulkbusted]

"Making you a normal 14-year-old, or so I hear. I can't really judge normal." He shakes his head and taps the bag with his sparkling water to show that he's good without the scotch, thanks. "It's okay. You were the smartass rich kid who no one liked, I was the freak whose dad murdered his mom who no one liked."

He doesn't know for certain that Tony knows that about him, but he's always assumed that he does. Tony's too damn curious not to look, and Bruce's childhood has more than enough public documentation to it.

What do you want to tell me? You've got to have some good memories, too."

[starkingenuity]

“I do have some good memories,” Tony says, though good memories aren’t usually the interesting ones. He suspects that Bruce is good with ignoring the bad. His own childhood probably doesn’t have any good memories at all, not until he escaped from his father at least.

Tony’s a little surprised that Bruce mentioned Robert though. They share a name. They share blood. They share the same eyes and the same smile. They share the same brilliance. But that’s it.

Tony hates the guy that gave Bruce his anger issues, and it flames up so suddenly he almost forgets himself. He takes the drink Bruce refused in its place and shakes his head.

“I got into MIT early. Probably could have started at twelve. But I guess you should be out of your preteens to go to college. I made DUM-E. Dad almost smiled when I brought home the plaque for Christmas that year. Maybe. Hard to tell. He was drunk and mad about not finding Cap.”

[hulkbusted]

Dwelling on the bad had its time and place, usually around 3:00 am, somewhere alone.

"My aunt wouldn't let me go to Harvard early. She said I needed to have some idea of what a normal life looked like first." He lacks the temperament to be a psychiatrist, but he can see that Tony's taken some hard hits in the past two years. Hell, Bruce has taken some hard hits of his own. Right now, he needs to give something back for as much as he's going to lean on Tony for a while.

The only thing he has to give is himself.

"What about your mom? What did she think about DUM-E?"

[starkingenuity]

“She thought that I was trying too hard.” Tony sinks into the past and into the story. It’s easy when there’s a good man to listen. He likes to look at Bruce, which is odd because Tony tends only to look at people when he’s trying to be intimidating. That isn’t the case here. He’s not looking for approval either. He’s not breaking eye contact, not exactly, but he watches Bruce’s mouth more than his eyes. It’s an interesting mouth. Anyone would agree. “Trying to impress Dad. She said that I didn’t need his approval.”

But that’s not why he built DUM-E.

Tony, aged seventeen and utterly alone due to his genius alienating everyone but reporters, built himself a friend. And yeah. It’s as sad as it sounds.

“He lived above the garage for awhile. Always a trouble maker.” But Tony couldn’t reprogram his friend. He still can’t.

[hulkbusted]

"Huh." Hard for him to relate. They aren't in a competition for worst father, and what does it matter? Howard Stark was the worst father Tony ever had, just as Robert Banner is the worst father Bruce had ever had.

"You got DUM-E out of it." He isn't really aware of Tony's scrutiny as he stares at the bulkhead across from him, seeing nothing really. "Your first kid."

Not the brightest of Tony's creations, but impressive for a kid not even old enough to vote. Hell, there were plenty of engineers who would consider making a DUM-E to be the pinnacle of their careers. It's a thought that makes his lips twitch into a there and gone smile.

"Where is he now?"

[starkingenuity]

He. Tony has Bruce using it too. DUM-E is as alive as JARVIS was...and FRIDAY is now. He's not as human as a human, but he's more human that another animal. He thinks. He feels. DUM-E wasn't programmed that way. He's learned to be that way, and all thanks to Tony Stark wanting a friend. It's the first real example of an AI in this world, something beyond fridges that can text you to let you know that you need milk or your cell phone being able to recognize your voice.

"Above the garage."

Tony laughs and draws a hand back through his hair. Some of the roots are white. He colors it, but not enough to make it impossible to tell he's getting older. He's not vain. He's just got an image to uphold.

"That's probably cruel. So what am I? Cruel or just a creature of habit?"

[hulkbusted]

He. He knows how Tony thinks about his favorites, and it would be rude to call DUM-E an it, and, if he's honest with himself, it's hard not to think of DUM-E as a him. Tony does good work.

He pats Tony's shoe almost absently, then reaches back to flick the scotch bottle with a fingernail, "Creature of habit."

[starkingenuity]

It’s one of the only times that Tony glances away from Bruce, and it’s only to look at the spot his fingers had been. Tony really hasn’t had enough to drink for these feelings and so when Bruce half mentions the bottle, indirectly, he takes another swig.

“This isn’t a like father-like son gesture,” Tony says. “It dampens out the thoughts. My mind doesn’t shut up. Ever. Compartmentalizing is easier when there are a hundred thoughts instead of a thousand. Now I sound crazy.”

He’s not hallucinating. He’s not hearing voices.

He just has lots of ideas. Some are good. Some are ridiculous. Some could be important but they’re small fish and he can’t devote his time to every single mental tangent he finds himself on.

[hulkbusted]

Bruce gives him a wry smile, "Of course I wouldn't understand how that feels, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that wanting to reduce the noise in your head isn't crazy."

Bruce has had to find other methods to filter the noise. No one on this planet or any other wants to know what an alcoholic Bruce Banner would be like. He can be a mean drunk.

"But you seemed to have less noise to filter two years ago."

[starkingenuity]

"Steve was around. And you answered your phone. And Rhodey wasn't barely able to walk. Vision was still JARVIS. Pepper still loved me-- A lot's happened in two years." He's still not drunk enough to be giving up all of this stuff, and yet here he is. Giving it all up. Bruce is probably some sort of genius billionaire whisperer. He should really be charging for his services. "I was a lot younger two years ago than I am now."

Tony's eyebrows smooth out and he asks FRIDAY how long until they reach New York. Her answer is somewhere over the five hour mark, even in the quinjet, and Tony pulls himself to his feet with a groan.

"If you didn't get cold feet and married me, we could have had an awesome wedding night. But you blew it. So I'm going to go pass out on the cargo bench. If I roll out or we hit turbulence, don't take photos of me looking like an idiot."